It's been quite lonely. I grew up in single-parent family, without any siblings or grandparents. Relationship with mum was burdened since early age. I did not have real friends. So, I was pretty much alone. As an adult I managed to make friends... but they were not available, always busy. They rarely initiated a talk or an activity. I often tried to deserve their time. I was unable to keep up with life. Loneliness always accompanied me, hindering motivation and focus. I've missed countless trains, flights, deadlines, opportunities. I'm afraid of guessing what would've happened to me if I hadn't become a Christian at some point. I've endured so far only thanks to Christ. I investigated what was wrong with me. Anxiety was evident but it did not explain everything. I improved basic health, completed some psychotherapy and gained somewhat higher capacity. I attempted to level up my life. Again, a failure followed. That led me to check acquaintances' suggestions that I had autism spectrum disorder. The diagnosis was confirmed, twice. Utilizing new discovery, I tried to rebuild my life once again... and failed. Autism spectrum disorder did not explain my core struggles. Finally, a Finnish acquaintance suspected I had ADHD-I. A few years have passed. I was officially diagnosed several weeks ago. ADHD finally allows me to make sense out of my life. An ADHD medication seems to work. I can proceed with my tasks despite loneliness. Still, I would like to form closer social circles. I definitely can care and value my friends. But I do not want to reconcile with indifferent/distant attitude anymore. Friendships do not grow on demand, but at least if you too are looking for a reciprocal deep friendship, we may get in touch to see if we could get along. UPD: I've met an incredible person here. Gosh, could I have ever assumed such intense friendships can exist. She set a new standard. Then our C-PTSDs clashed and we took a break. That catalyzed and (almost?) finalized my C-PTSD healing, which had started in spring. I remained socially clumsy and still retained a healthy need for close connections. That, paired with my effort to improve interpersonal skills, triggered her again when we tried over, because me striving to address own shortcomings and become a better, more respecting friend landed as suffocating and she withdrew again. I had wrongly blamed solely my sore C-PTSD boundaries for exploded dynamics. But no, if she detects even a healthy need (naturally, many people need friends, that is why I am here) that implies basic commitment (classified by her as control). While I am sorry she has to live with such uneasy wounds, I can't digest how so that I again wasted my core to a friendship where I was valued temporary, if at all. Why this update? As stated in the title, I wish to establish a DEEP and LASTING friendship. Both. Yes, that implies basic commitments and effort on both sides. But now I am disoriented. I am not sure I'll be ready for anything comparable in the upcoming months. I also doubt there exist many people matching my criteria. I'm afraid I'll be bound to compare every new person to the impossible standard she has set. Perhaps, for now I'd prefer a simple peer support.
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